You’re still here, Da, and I see you.

My Da turned 86 last week. His younger self would not appreciate his image being posted here. His younger self was a force to be reckoned with. Fiercely independent, intelligent, sometimes belligerent. We didn’t always get along. We didn’t always see eye to eye. That was his other self. The product of his own pain. That was my other self. The product of my own pain.

This is now. His basic needs are taken care of. He is safe. He is minded. But it’s not him. It’s difficult to visit. It’s difficult to see. But ‘seeing’ him is something I think about a lot these days.

Alzheimer’s has taken his essence, his opinions. His fiercely coveted freewill. His dignity. His independence. His arguments. His past. His now. His future. A fragile man, moving in the shadow of his former life. Shuffling in slippers, wearing clothes he can no longer choose for himself. Eating food he can no longer choose for himself. Taking medication doled out from prescriptions that he never sees. Pacing slower each time. Holding up the walls. Staring out from a life made small by a barbaric disease.

Memories, mind and spirit, locked behind an expression that does not recognise. That cannot read. That cannot concentrate. No reminiscence, no sharing, no conversation. All the things he cannot say. Just the fading slowly – a life in twilight, every sunset erasing another facet of who he once was. The tenement child. The Liberties boy. The eldest. The christian brothers student. The reader. The self-educator. The son. The husband. The father. The brother. The boxer. The drinker. The quick-tempered. The friend. The Grandfather. The Great-grandfather. The golfer. The printer. The father of the chapel. The man who worked for the newspaper. The Frank Sinatra fan. The man who worked part-time until he was in his 70’s. The daily suit and tie. The all his life clean-shaven and shoes polished. All of it, lost. No longer ‘known’. No longer ‘seen’.

But you’re still here, Da. And I see you.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Caroline is a writer and filmmaker from Dublin, Ireland, and author of the novel LADY BETH (Eric Hoffer Award Winner 2019 and Winner of the Carousel Aware Prize BEST NOVEL 2017). Writer and Director of the short film FRAMED (2018), she has also written and co-produced ADAM (2013) and the auto-biographical IN RIBBONS (2015) which has screened at festivals worldwide. Watch IN RIBBONS HERE

 

Spilling personal

I guess I’ve been a bit quiet for a time. It’s been a relentlessly difficult month, battered with grief of many shades, and though it’s rare for me to get personal on here, sometimes, as a writer, you have to spill in the way of words to deal with the pent-up emotions that hurt your throat in the anticipation of those dreaded explosions. The ones akin to those David Ferguson speaks of in his heartfelt piece in the Guardian, ‘We don’t ‘lose’ our mothers – the reality is more violent than that.’

For want of a better expression, I ‘lost’ my mother last month. Lost her presence, the sound of her voice, her wit, her humour, her shuffled gait, her complaining, her phone calls, her wants, her needs; her smile. She was eighty years of age, and you think you’ll be ready when they survive the battering of life to such an age, and many a personal battle she fought, but you are never ready, especially when they are still of mind as sharp and clever of those half her age, and with an equally strong willpower to stick around.

Detta 1

Not that I didn’t have enough test runs. Dashes to hospital for falls, broken hips, accidents, breathing problems, the list goes on – and yet, the endgame was sudden; no time. No time to say It will all be okay, like all those other times, Sure you can’t kill a bad thing – and she’d give me That Look. Ya cheeky pup! That look, always followed with a smirk and the page would turn as she did, doing a Lazarus in health and resilience and all was calm again.

Apparently, I have inherited That Look. Or so I am told.

Reduced to just the items in the pockets of the cardigan she was wearing in the moment of her death, from the second I kissed her cold forehead, I lost my peripheral vision. I could do what I needed to, I would, for her. I would have it all sorted, just as how she would want it to be. But I would only see straight ahead, whoever, whatever was in front of me and nothing else. That was how to get it done. That was how I wouldn’t crumble.

Mam and Dad 1

And now there is my father. In dementia; that fucking frightening and cruel place of Alzheimer’s, and she is gone, and there is stuff to do. And it will be done. I grieve for him also. Fit as a fiddle in everything but mind and memory.

I see shadows now. Ethereal shapes in my returning peripheral vision. Nothing there; and there they are. It is the essence – the only thing that can never be lost. My mother, the beautiful, complicated woman she was. Fragile yet fierce. My mother, the woman she became. Fragile and frail. My father, the meticulous, temperamental, well-groomed man he was, distant and fierce. My father, the man he has become, distant and fragile. And the memory wandering. Reduced of his innate independence. Reduced to helplessness, to the present ten minutes of his life. Reduced to the man who someone else must wash, who someone else must groom. Reduced to the man in the clothes that someone else must launder, that someone else must dress upon him.

Oblivious to what the short-term future held, at the end of last year, I read, on the recommendation of John Lonergan, a small, yet magical chronicle, Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. I kept the book, mostly because John had signed it for me. Meant to be. And no doubt I’ll be dipping into it again over time. No lessons on living from me to end this spilling though, just my own hard-learned observation. We crumble. We move on. We reduce. But in between, the light gets in.

Detta

Rest easy, Ma. Or race on, graceful as a gazelle.